#3: Charles, Prince of Wales

Turns out England has their own version of ol' Gee Dubs Bush: a dude who inherited money, fame, and political power despite near (and deserved) academic failure and absolutely zero qualifications. Luckily for England, Charles doesn't actually run anything; that's why this is called Stuff That's Lame About England, rather than Stuff That Makes England A Legitimately Lousy Nation. Luckily for us, Charles is the reigning Biggest Dork in the World.

#2. The Food

Everyone knows English food SUX. I haven't experienced it first hand, but my friend Mike from work was hired to go to England and bring some fancy paintings (?), so he got two days to experience the joy of London! And the first thing he said to me about it was "MAN THE FOOD SUX." And one time when Mike and I were eating some pork from the restaurant we work at he was all "OH MAN THIS IS SO GOOD" but it kind of wasn't so man this food must have totally blown.

Mainly he told me about the Bacon Roll,

which is apparently just Canadian bacon fried and put on a crusty roll with butter and ketchup. WHAT THE FUCK. EW. How is that acceptable as a meal? Or as a sandwich? It's supposed to be like hangover food or something. I'm pretty sure if I ate that on a day after heavy drinking I would vom all over England. But Mike said everyone was all over the bacon roll and his cab driver was all "YOU GOTTA TRY THE BACON ROLL (OLD CHAP)!!!"

Look at this other picture of "English breakfast":

Ew I'm sorry no. Just ew. Why did you ruin those eggs with all that nasty, England? Another popular breakfast food is black pudding, which is made from dried pigs blood and fat. Served for breakfast. To reiterate, EW.
There is so much poor quality meat slathered in salty gravy there. And what's with warm tomatoes? They give me the willies. What gives, England? Could you maybe try not being so lame and eat less like poor people?

#1: The English Countryside

One of the most depressing parts about England and the English is that they seem to think, despite all evidence to the contrary, that their landscape is pretty. This leads me to one of three conclusions:

1. The English are entirely sightless, like those cave lizards that are born without eyes.
2. The English immigrated from Greenland, the inside of a volcano, or the alley behind my kitchen where the crackheads hang out.
3. The English have a remarkable talent for self-delusion.

The English countryside is dull green grass under a dull grey sky, and if it's not raining, it always seems like it has both just rained and is about to rain. In that video, there are like eighty pictures of what might as well be the same field, plus some of the exciting topographical details, like a dead tree with no leaves! Or some dead brown grass to contrast with the green grass that only wishes it was dead! The highest peak in the nation is Cross Fell, at a whopping 2,930 feet. I had to look up a normal-sized mountain because I had no idea what that number meant, but for reference, the 100th tallest peak in the Rockies is Cornwall Mountain, at over TWELVE THOUSAND feet. The country is flatter than most hockey rinks. It's lucky for England that I'm not the type to make crass dick jokes, honestly.

In case you don't ever make it out to rural England, here's what it has to offer: