Lame. lam·er, lam·est, verb, lamed, lam·ing, noun –adjective 1. crippled or physically disabled, esp. in the foot or leg so as to limp or walk with difficulty. 2. impaired or disabled through defect or injury: a lame arm. 3. weak; inadequate; unsatisfactory; clumsy: a lame excuse. 4. Slang. out of touch with modern fads or trends; unsophisticated. –verb (used with object) 5. to make lame or defective. –noun 6. Slang. a person who is out of touch with modern fads or trends, esp. one who is unsophisticated.
Okay okay shut up a second. Yes, the Brits have brought us lots of successful comedies, from about a third of the Monty Python sketches to The Office to Peep Show. Like the Jews, the Brits seem fully able to turn their mostly-depressing lives on that rock in the North Atlantic into humor. What I'm talking about here is that damnable superiority they have about their comedy. A couple years ago, this used to come up in debates about the virtues of the British and US versions of The Office. I worked with this British girl who insisted over and over again, oblivious to my growing rage and desire to start a blog nobody would read, that the US version is "dumbed down" for Amurrican audiences who apparently can't handle the elegant, sophisticated wit of the substantially darker (and uglier) British version. So here I present the "most famous scene from The Office, so you can see how fucking wrong she was.
What exactly about a silly dance is too difficult for Americans to understand? Don't get me wrong, I loved that show, but about half of the humor came from the bizarrely crude sexual and slapstick humor that the English love so much. Dildo jokes? Giant, inflatable penises? Silly costumes? And let us not forget, this is a country that STILL believes a man in women's clothing is the pinnacle of comedy. English humor has barely evolved past the Three Stooges.
Oh, and it's not our fault that even our comedians are attractive. That's a good thing, England.
I know England's kind of a small country, but cumbersome place names are not the way to compensate. I'm just guessing here, because everything on this website is based on pure guesswork with a dash of irrational xenophobia, but I'm sure there are towns in England with more letters in the town name than people in the town. Hartfordwallinghamshropshire, I'm looking at you.
And while I'm at it, hyphenated descriptions are not appropriate names. Like "Newbiggin-by-the-Sea," good lord. The town is called Newbiggin, which is ridiculous enough as it is. Why add a lame subtitle into the actual name? I don't live in Montreal-the-Inhospitable-Tundra, or Montreal-the-Land-of-Persecuted-Anglophones.
A brief list of silly names:
Pratt's Bottom Wiggleswick Gigglesworth Wetwang (!!!) Nempnet Thrubwell Upper and Lower Peeover Six Mile Bottom
And the world-famous:
And while I can't deny the embarrassment of my home state of Pennsylvania's twin towns of Intercourse and Blueball, at least they're not resoundingly silly like Wiggleswick or Nempnet Fucking Thrubwell.
For all you ignorant country folk outside of jolly-old-you-know-where, doilies are basically frilly lace coasters. The thing is, the English got sort of carried away and decided that frilly lace must come in all shapes, sizes, and colors and should cover any and all surfaces (see fig. 1- yes, a toilet seat). That way, even the most middle class residents of West Newhamptonyorkshireville can show that they too are members of the famed and respected English aristocracy.
Figure 1
Granted, to the unrefined eye, a doily may seem like a five year old’s botched attempt at a heart-shaped paper snow flake, but to the English, a couch – wait chesterfield – draped with awkward circles of white lace somehow doesn’t look like it came out of a little girl’s doll house.
Seiously guys, just go out and buy a couch cover and some coasters. Hell, the coasters can probably even have cute fuzzy kittens on them if the 1st grader inside you insists on a touch of English elegance.
