Stuff That's Lame About England

#7: Coldplay

2008-05-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

Lame. lam·er, lam·est, verb, lamed, lam·ing, noun
–adjective
1. crippled or physically disabled, esp. in the foot or leg so as to limp or walk with difficulty.
2. impaired or disabled through defect or injury: a lame arm.
3. weak; inadequate; unsatisfactory; clumsy: a lame excuse.
4. Slang. out of touch with modern fads or trends; unsophisticated.
–verb (used with object)
5. to make lame or defective.
–noun
6. Slang. a person who is out of touch with modern fads or trends, esp. one who is unsophisticated.

#6: "British Humo(u)r"

2008-05-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

Okay okay shut up a second. Yes, the Brits have brought us lots of successful comedies, from about a third of the Monty Python sketches to The Office to Peep Show. Like the Jews, the Brits seem fully able to turn their mostly-depressing lives on that rock in the North Atlantic into humor. What I'm talking about here is that damnable superiority they have about their comedy. A couple years ago, this used to come up in debates about the virtues of the British and US versions of The Office. I worked with this British girl who insisted over and over again, oblivious to my growing rage and desire to start a blog nobody would read, that the US version is "dumbed down" for Amurrican audiences who apparently can't handle the elegant, sophisticated wit of the substantially darker (and uglier) British version. So here I present the "most famous scene from The Office, so you can see how fucking wrong she was.

What exactly about a silly dance is too difficult for Americans to understand? Don't get me wrong, I loved that show, but about half of the humor came from the bizarrely crude sexual and slapstick humor that the English love so much. Dildo jokes? Giant, inflatable penises? Silly costumes? And let us not forget, this is a country that STILL believes a man in women's clothing is the pinnacle of comedy. English humor has barely evolved past the Three Stooges.

Oh, and it's not our fault that even our comedians are attractive. That's a good thing, England.

#5: Silly Place Names

2008-05-13T16:17:00.000-07:00

I know England's kind of a small country, but cumbersome place names are not the way to compensate. I'm just guessing here, because everything on this website is based on pure guesswork with a dash of irrational xenophobia, but I'm sure there are towns in England with more letters in the town name than people in the town. Hartfordwallinghamshropshire, I'm looking at you.

And while I'm at it, hyphenated descriptions are not appropriate names. Like "Newbiggin-by-the-Sea," good lord. The town is called Newbiggin, which is ridiculous enough as it is. Why add a lame subtitle into the actual name? I don't live in Montreal-the-Inhospitable-Tundra, or Montreal-the-Land-of-Persecuted-Anglophones.

A brief list of silly names:

Pratt's Bottom
Wiggleswick
Gigglesworth
Wetwang (!!!)
Nempnet Thrubwell
Upper and Lower Peeover
Six Mile Bottom

And the world-famous:

And while I can't deny the embarrassment of my home state of Pennsylvania's twin towns of Intercourse and Blueball, at least they're not resoundingly silly like Wiggleswick or Nempnet Fucking Thrubwell.

#4: Doilies

2008-05-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

For all you ignorant country folk outside of jolly-old-you-know-where, doilies are basically frilly lace coasters. The thing is, the English got sort of carried away and decided that frilly lace must come in all shapes, sizes, and colors and should cover any and all surfaces (see fig. 1- yes, a toilet seat). That way, even the most middle class residents of West Newhamptonyorkshireville can show that they too are members of the famed and respected English aristocracy.

Figure 1

Granted, to the unrefined eye, a doily may seem like a five year old’s botched attempt at a heart-shaped paper snow flake, but to the English, a couch – wait chesterfield – draped with awkward circles of white lace somehow doesn’t look like it came out of a little girl’s doll house.

Seiously guys, just go out and buy a couch cover and some coasters. Hell, the coasters can probably even have cute fuzzy kittens on them if the 1st grader inside you insists on a touch of English elegance.

#3: Charles, Prince of Wales

2008-04-06T17:35:00.000-07:00

Turns out England has their own version of ol' Gee Dubs Bush: a dude who inherited money, fame, and political power despite near (and deserved) academic failure and absolutely zero qualifications. Luckily for England, Charles doesn't actually run anything; that's why this is called Stuff That's Lame About England, rather than Stuff That Makes England A Legitimately Lousy Nation. Luckily for us, Charles is the reigning Biggest Dork in the World.

#2. The Food

2008-04-05T18:07:00.001-07:00

Everyone knows English food SUX. I haven't experienced it first hand, but my friend Mike from work was hired to go to England and bring some fancy paintings (?), so he got two days to experience the joy of London! And the first thing he said to me about it was "MAN THE FOOD SUX." And one time when Mike and I were eating some pork from the restaurant we work at he was all "OH MAN THIS IS SO GOOD" but it kind of wasn't so man this food must have totally blown.

Mainly he told me about the Bacon Roll,

which is apparently just Canadian bacon fried and put on a crusty roll with butter and ketchup. WHAT THE FUCK. EW. How is that acceptable as a meal? Or as a sandwich? It's supposed to be like hangover food or something. I'm pretty sure if I ate that on a day after heavy drinking I would vom all over England. But Mike said everyone was all over the bacon roll and his cab driver was all "YOU GOTTA TRY THE BACON ROLL (OLD CHAP)!!!"

Look at this other picture of "English breakfast":

Ew I'm sorry no. Just ew. Why did you ruin those eggs with all that nasty, England? Another popular breakfast food is black pudding, which is made from dried pigs blood and fat. Served for breakfast. To reiterate, EW.
There is so much poor quality meat slathered in salty gravy there. And what's with warm tomatoes? They give me the willies. What gives, England? Could you maybe try not being so lame and eat less like poor people?

#1: The English Countryside

2008-04-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

One of the most depressing parts about England and the English is that they seem to think, despite all evidence to the contrary, that their landscape is pretty. This leads me to one of three conclusions:

1. The English are entirely sightless, like those cave lizards that are born without eyes.
2. The English immigrated from Greenland, the inside of a volcano, or the alley behind my kitchen where the crackheads hang out.
3. The English have a remarkable talent for self-delusion.

The English countryside is dull green grass under a dull grey sky, and if it's not raining, it always seems like it has both just rained and is about to rain. In that video, there are like eighty pictures of what might as well be the same field, plus some of the exciting topographical details, like a dead tree with no leaves! Or some dead brown grass to contrast with the green grass that only wishes it was dead! The highest peak in the nation is Cross Fell, at a whopping 2,930 feet. I had to look up a normal-sized mountain because I had no idea what that number meant, but for reference, the 100th tallest peak in the Rockies is Cornwall Mountain, at over TWELVE THOUSAND feet. The country is flatter than most hockey rinks. It's lucky for England that I'm not the type to make crass dick jokes, honestly.

In case you don't ever make it out to rural England, here's what it has to offer: